I hope you can give me some perspective on a very complex problem I'm facing. I was recently reunited with the only person I actually fell in love with about 20 years ago. At the time he was not ready for a committed relationship. It broke my heart. I went through a hard time trying to get over him.
Now 20 years later we found each other and it feels like we were never apart. The problem is he is now married and now that I'm a Christian it’s a violation to my faith to entertain the thought of a relationship with him. But I find myself not able to get him out of my mind and he has indicated his desire to see me and not just as friends. Upon meeting him it was instant chemistry between us and I find myself struggling with my faith and the desire to give into my feelings. Clearly I never quite got over him. He's older and much more stabilized. But unfortunately is not free. I know the logical think to do is to back off.
I myself was married and my husband a disabled vet passed away a few years ago. I single handedly raised our child who is about to go off to college. I am working in a hectic environment and have not been in a relationship for a very long time. It is no surprise to me that I came alive upon meeting up with him. It was like sunshine finally piercing the darkness of loneliness and hard work. I just can't seem to get him out of my mind.
My natural self wants to be with him as I sense he wants to be with me. We don't live in the same state but he's indicated wanting to have a relationship with me. I am very tempted. But struggle with my faith and intruding in a marriage, which according to him he's only in because of his 2 sons. Apparently he is not happy with his wife - but most men say that anyways.
My inner struggle is my faith and violating my relationship with God. But my desire to be with him seems to be stronger (which makes me feel badly). I have no one to talk this through with and hope you can help me sort this out.
Love can be overwhelming sometimes. Your feelings from 20 years ago have been revived but the situation today is much different. Twenty years ago, he wasn’t the right person because he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. Now he’s not the right person because he’s tied to someone else. Of course, your brain can tell you all that and it might not make the slightest difference to your feelings, right?
Putting your faith aside, let’s talk about your emotional well-being. Regardless of your beliefs, the reality of this situation is that you are going to be hurt. You’ll feel conflicted and angry with yourself for going against your belief system. You’ll feel guilty and maybe ashamed because you’ll be interfering in his marriage. You may feel suspicious, jealous, abandoned and depressed. The chances that this will take a toll on your self-esteem are pretty high.
I am a romantic and I love the idea that after 20 years, you’ve reconnected with your true love. And if I let myself, I can imagine a happy ending…one where he and his wife have an amicable divorce, allowing you two to be together but also giving him a chance to be a father to his children. But human relationships are complicated and don’t fall neatly into Hollywood-style romance scripts. As much as it might hurt, resisting the desire to be with him until he is free to be with you is going to cause the least amount of pain in the long run.
I wish I had a more fairytale solution for you, but you deserve happiness, stability and love from a person who can show up for you and be 100% present in your relationship.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.