Dear Amy,
There is this person who I really like and it just so happens he is my best friend. I really want to go out with him but he doesn’t like me like that. What should I do? Dear Pining, Are you sure he doesn’t like you the same way? The truth is that no matter what happens, it’s probably going to change your relationship with him (at least a little). If you tell him you like him and he doesn’t like you back, it may make things awkward and the friendship may suffer. If you don’t tell him, you’re probably going to find it uncomfortable for a while being around him, which may be ok if you’re more concerned about keeping the friendship. So, what I wonder is, do you know for sure he doesn’t like you that way? Because sometimes, the best relationships are born of being best friends first. Maybe he’s pining for you too? My best suggestion is to think carefully about the possible consequences of initiating a relationship with him. If you’ve thought it through, then whatever decision you make, at least you’ll be better equipped to deal with the fallout (good or bad). Wishing you luck, Amy Dear Amy,
I really messed up with my girlfriend. I hurt her when I didn’t want to. I cheated on her and now she’s doing stuff to hurt me. Like talking to guys and stuff like that. What can I do to make her forgive me. Please I need help and I need her. I’ve been dating her for 9 months. I’m not trying to mess up. I love her too much. Dear Seeking, You can’t make her forgive you. You can ask her to forgive you, but whether or not she can or will is really up to her. And I can tell you right now that you taking responsibility for your actions is going to be really important. In your question, you say you didn’t want to hurt her but you did cheat on her and that was a choice, your choice. It didn’t just happen to you. When you lose someone’s trust, you generally have to earn it back and part of that is taking responsibility for your behavior and understanding the impact it had on your girlfriend. Her talking to guys is a far cry from sleeping with them and while I don’t believe in “getting even,” it’s easy to understand how she might be feeling given your infidelity. I know this sounds harsh, but I think that might be what you need, a good dose of truth. You both deserve to be in a relationship where there is trust and respect for one another. Do your best to show her that you are sorry and respect her feelings, even if right now she’s angry and hurt. Don’t tell her you didn’t mean to hurt her. Tell her you understand that you did hurt her and that you want to make it right. Then maybe she’ll be able to forgive you. Amy Dear Amy,
I met this guy about 10 months ago. He happened to stop into the store I was working in. Well we talked on the phone a few times and he kept telling me he wanted to take me out for dinner, well that never happened, I finally told him it wouldn't work out because I couldn't deal with the wait I will call you back etc. Well 10 months later he texted me because he is in town for his son's graduation, he wanted to see me. He called me that night and told me he would like to see me the next day, so we go out for dinner and had a nice conversation. We talked a few more times, several times and within two weeks he told me he loved me.....fast forward a month, he has been on the road and I told him the one thing I want is for him to communicate with me since we couldn't see each other much. He told me all these things he wanted from me, he wants me to be his girl, he wants to get married, he has a goal to buy a couple of houses so he can retire and live happily, but what is bugging me is that in the beginning he would call, text and say he will try to make it my way. Day before valentines day he tells me he will try to make It here, he has a plan but he would have to fix numbers on his work sheet. I told him not to do that, I don't want him to get in trouble. The entire weekend I heard nothing from him. His calls would go to voice mail. And his mailbox was full. Well after worrying and contacting his company he told me he was having phone issues, there was no way to call me, he claims. He said his phone went black and could not use it and the Verizon store was closed on Sundays so he spent the entire weekend at a motel waiting for Monday to go to Verizon. Just me typing this is sounding ridiculous. My thing is if he really wanted to contact me, he would have, if he really said he loved me he would not be ignoring my calls and text messages as he has done so today. I texted him this morning and have yet to hear from him. What are you thoughts? Dear Waiting, I think his intentions may be good but his actions show a lack of ability to follow-through, for whatever reason. He may truly just have a complicated life and schedule that makes him unreliable at best. Or, he may be leading you on. Either way, his words and his actions are telling two completely different stories and it’s the actions that count. If we were chatting over coffee, I’d tell you to just let him go. Or, call him on it. Tell him that you expect more out of a relationship and since he can’t seem to pull it together, you’re done. You shouldn’t have to wait around for this guy to get on board. You deserve better. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been with wife for 12 years 3 of which we have been married, I feel like our marriage is in jeopardy because I have lost total trust in my wife, we've separated many times throughout the years and she's slept with other men, and when things got hard for her she come crying back to me, and I would fall right back not really giving myself a chance to move on because of how easy it was not going through all the trouble meeting someone else, our children being so young and we have history together. I said to myself that I would let it go, that I wouldn't let it bother me, but as of late its haunting me, I don't want to feel like this anymore it's tormenting, I want to trust her and give our marriage the chance it deserves but that little voice in my head tells me different, the thought of her being with another man kills me inside and messes things up in bed for me. What’s wrong with me? Dear Haunted, What you’re feeling seems pretty reasonable to me. It sounds like your wife has taken for granted that you will always be there and has treated you pretty badly. You’ve let her come back so you’re angry at her, and probably at yourself, right? But wanting to make the marriage work puts you in a tricky position. You’re trying to just push those feelings away instead of dealing with them and as a result, you’re having trouble in bed. There’s nothing “wrong” with you. Your reactions, both emotional and physical, are pretty normal for your situation. Given your history with your wife, I would suggest finding a marriage counselor. You can’t just ignore those feelings of betrayal. As you see, they tend to take on a life of their own. Marriage counseling can be really helpful if both people are fully onboard with the process. If you find that your wife is not, I’d still look into some individual counseling so you can work on how you’re feeling. If you want your marriage to last, you’re going to have to do the work so that you can really move forward without resentment. The bottom line though is that you deserve to be in a relationship where you are treated with love and respect, so make sure that, at the end of all your work, that’s what you end up with. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been having an online affair with a younger married man from another state. I cannot sleep because of the guilt. I'm feeling so badly about myself. I know I must end it, but I can't seem to find the courage to do the right thing. I am also in a long-term relationship. He is very sweet & loving. It started as friendship but we had fun chats & it got hot from there. I need advice on how to do it, gently. Dear Ending It, The best thing I can do, I think, is to offer you some truth with a dose of perspective. The truth is that the path you’re headed down is one filled with heartache for a lot of people. You’re having an affair with a married man so both he and his family will be affected by it. You are in a long-term relationship so both you and your partner will be affected by it. That’s a lot of collateral damage. And the fact that you’re physically feeling the effects of the guilt means it’s not only emotionally unhealthy but also physically unhealthy for you to continue. So, what is keeping you from ending it? Is it that you don’t want to hurt him? Because, in all reality he’s going to get hurt one way or another. Is it that you’re not happy with the relationship you’re in? Adding another person to the mix only makes it more complicated. I would suggest thinking carefully about the things that might have motivated you to get into this affair in the first place and address those issues. If you’re lonely or your needs aren’t being met in some way, there’s probably a more healthy way to get what you need. I’m not sure ending it gently is possible. You might have to go cold turkey on this one. You don’t have to be cruel, but affairs have a way of dragging on and on until the world implodes for one or both people. Be brave. It will hurt but dealing with it now will be a lot less painful than the fallout that will come later. Amy Dear Amy,
A couple of weeks ago I reunited with a man I dated 34 years ago when we were just teenagers. We live 15 minutes apart and we both work 12 hour days. I have every weekend off and he has every other weekend off. This year, his weekend off fell on Valentine's Day. That morning he texted and wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. I responded and invited him to dinner. To my surprise, he didn't respond. Later, 2 1/2 hours later after I texted him again, he still didn't seem too interested. Needless to say I was hurt by his lack of enthusiasm and didn't get to spend any time with him. He tells me he's very interested in me, but his actions on V-Day said different. I didn't need gifts or to go out, I simply wanted to spend time with him. So the following day he asked if I was still angry and I broke up with him. I didn't think I was asking too much for a little bit of his time since we only get two days out if the week to see each other. He said he just didn't have the energy. I think he should have found some...especially on this day for lovers. Do you think I acted in haste? Not sure if I should apologize for biting his head off. Please help. Dear Hasty, Well, I think you had a really strong emotional reaction based on expectations that he didn’t realize he was going to have to live up to. So, the short answer is, yes, I think you may have been a wee bit hasty in breaking up with him. If you want to date this guy, I suggest you apologize. But first I want you to consider a few things. Namely, why was your reaction so big? If this was a standing date you’d had for years, I could see being fairly upset but having only dated for a few weeks and given that you hadn’t made the plans ahead of time, your angry reaction makes me wonder about your background and experiences. I think your reaction was much bigger than the issue at hand. I can understand being frustrated, but the sudden break up makes me wonder what you’re afraid of. Are you worried about being hurt? Disappointed? Here’s the thing. He can’t possibly meet your expectations if you not only keep them from him but also punish him without giving him a chance to work things out. Maybe he’s not a spur of the moment guy. Maybe he didn’t realize Valentine’s Day was such a big deal for you. These are all issues that some communication could solve but you cant’ communicate if you break things off before you can even begin. So, I would suggest talking to him but first I’d take a pretty honest look at you and really think about what just happened here. Are you ready for a relationship? Wishing you love and serenity. Amy Dear Amy,
I drove up to the place I live with my boyfriend and he walked into his shop with one of his friends that’s a girl. I know of her but do not actually know her. He doesn’t even acknowledge that I am there. He said I should of just walked in there but I felt he should of made the effort to acknowledge me and introduced us. He said its’ my problem but since its his friend I felt he should taken the more of the effort to make me feel included. Am I wrong for feeling that way? Dear Outside, Feelings are neither right or wrong, they’re just feelings and you’re fully entitled to them. My personal opinion: he should have introduced you. But some people have a different idea about what is proper in social situations than I do and it may simply be that he figured “she lives here” so he didn’t feel like he needed to make special introductions. Was he kind of a jerk? Yes. But is it an unforgivable offense. No, not really. Here’s the thing. What’s he’s saying is sort of true. It is your problem. You felt left out (rightly so, in my opinion) but he’s not in charge of your feelings; you are. However, I believe that not being in charge of another person’s feelings doesn’t relieve you of responsibility for your actions. It was sort of rude of him to just leave you hanging there. And its perfectly okay for you to let him know how it made you feel. So here’s what I suggest. Tell him that you understand that your feelings are your own and then tell him that when he leaves you out like that, it makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s not unreasonable to ask him to introduce you to new people and if he’s not willing to consider your feelings about that then he’s really not being very kind to you. My guess is he probably just got defensive and if you talk about it with him without accusing him and if you take responsibility for your own emotional reactions, he might just come around. Work on trying to understand his point of view and maybe he’ll see yours a little more clearly. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been in a relationship for 17 months and living together 6 months. These past 6-8 weeks have been very difficult. I finally had it. I took the last blow. Intimacy has deteriorated. When it seems as if I initiate sex 2-3 times a week, he refuses or has a headache. The last 2 times he actually threw me off him and when he initiated it at 1:30 AM, I allowed him because it is what bonds us and I enjoy him. His behavior has been distant, I did not understand so I asked. He told me to respect his wishes & he'll respect mine. When I continued to let him know he hurt me he told me to shut the fuck up each time. Excuse my language, for the situation I got so furious I asked him to get out, I threw his clothes on the floor the second time it occurred. This last incident I actually asked him to go to hotel which I drove him to. I felt so rejected, hurt, numb. He pleaded not to take him he can sleep on the sofa. I thought this was best so we don't escalate. Was I in the wrong for telling him it was the last blow and ask him to leave? He came to get his things he expressed it was messed up & low. I felt disrespected in so many ways. I’ve never had a man in my life reject me while initiating sex. I guess I felt entitled for being there for him in the last year. I moved him in because he had a 2nd DUI was in jail for 3 month. Then his uncle threatened to throw him out. I felt I needed to be there for him. He has been sober 10 months and saw progress in his day to day going to work etc.. He even cooked for me. Now he said it’s my fault. I made the decision to kick him out and he will not come back. He said he has no security since if I kick him out again. I understand it is probably better he gets on his own two feet, better for me as well the verbal abuse/physical I know I deserve better. It is like death of a break up. Was I in the wrong? Dear Entitled, It sounds like your relationship was pretty unhealthy and so it’s probably a good thing to take a step back, even if it hurts. Breaking up is like a kind of death and sometimes you need to allow yourself to grieve. I want to address a few things you said, though. First, no one is ever entitled to sex. I’m taking a hard line on this one because sex should be a completely a consensual act and if one person feels they are “owed” sex, it’s likely that there’s going to be a lot of disappointment, resentment and a shift in power that takes sex to an unhealthy place. It sounds like you guys ended up in that place. You felt rejected and angry. He felt that his wishes weren’t being respected. The feelings you were both having were very real and so its not surprising that you hit a wall. And then there’s the matter of verbal and physical abuse. Respect is a two way street and from what you’ve said, neither one of you was showing much respect to the other. Verbal and physical abuse are not okay under any circumstances, so maybe this breakup is really the best thing for both of you. You DO deserve better and he needs to get his life together so that he’ll be healthy and confident in his relationships. While you may have felt like you had to take him in to support him at one point, that burden may have left you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Maybe once he gets himself worked out, you two can try again. Or maybe it’s a good idea to find a guy who you’re on more even footing with. Wishing you luck. Amy Dear Amy,
My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 8 months. He moved in with me in September. Everything has been wonderful until Friday night. I went to get on his phone because mine was dead and there was a message from some girl. All the messages had been erased except one saying that it doesn't make any sense you saying your happy with her but you wished you would have waited so when I asked about it he told me it was nothing but I feel like it is. Should I feel like I'm breaking on the inside or did my insecurities outweigh my rational side. I love him and don't want to lose him so how would I go about letting this go without causing distance and a potential break up. Dear Stumbled, Oh, the trouble cell phones cause. I really don’t think this is as bad as it seems. Nothing you saw seems to indicate anything other than a conversation that was going on. You have no context, but you also have no reason to suspect anything. Right? Texts are the most useful and yet destructive invention of the modern world (my opinion). When we text, we assume privacy where it doesn’t exist. Unlike a conversation in person, texts stick around. Had your boyfriend had this conversation, whatever it was, in person with this girl, you’d never have known about it and it never would have caused you a problem. So, here’s the bottom line. You love your boyfriend. Everything is going great. There it is. Let’s re-envision this text conversation as follows: BF: I’m loving living here with her, but it’s hard getting used to living with someone. Maybe I should have waited. Concerned Girl: It doesn’t make any sense, you saying you’re happy with her but you wished you would have waited. BF: You’re right. I’m just being silly. Thank you concerned friend for setting my mind at ease. Could it have gone that way? Imagine if the conversation were like that, your boyfriend just talking to one of his friends about his concerns (after all, moving in together is a big step). That happens all the time actually. We all do that, right? And when we talk to our friends, we don’t always say things the way we’d say them to our partner. I know I wouldn’t want my boyfriend reading my texts without context. When I talk to my friends, I feel free to say what’s on my mind. And I let my friends give me perspective…just like I’m doing for you now. If your boyfriend tells you its nothing and he’s never given you a reason to doubt him, don’t start now. We spend way too much time making something out of nothing and technology really makes it so much more complicated. Focus on your great relationship with your loving boyfriend and let this one go. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm 42, and was born with a disability, which makes it difficult for me to use the bathroom on my own. I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years now, and we have a child together. My problem is, whenever I ask my boyfriend for help with anything he complains. Tells me how much he hates helping me, making me feel like a burden. I could leave, but who's going to want to be with someone they have to help with simple things like getting on the toilet? He also has an elderly aunt (that he thinks of as a mother) She calls him constantly to run errands for her, and he never complains about it to me or anyone. I'm really tired of feeling so shitty about myself, but I'm not sure what to do. Dear Deserving Ok, let’s start with the basic and simple truth: you are not a burden. Period. I can relate. I know how it feels to be treated like a burden over something you can’t control. I think it’s difficult for people who’ve never had to deal with a disability to understand and to empathize, but that’s no excuse for treating you badly. I also understand that, being the partner and/or caregiver of a person with a disability isn’t easy. That’s why there are support groups for caregivers. And it’s also why we have to be very careful to watch for abuse of those who cannot take care of themselves (elderly, disabled, children, etc.). So, back to your boyfriend…his behavior is unacceptable and it needs to stop. This disability isn’t new and he was aware of it when he starting dating you, right? I understand that it may feel overwhelming for him and maybe he needs to seek some support or counseling to work on how he’s feeling. But he needs to treat you with respect and compassion. And if he can’t do that, then you are better off without him. The bottom line: there are lots of people who will love you and see beyond your disability. You are not your disability. You are a human being deserving of love and respect in all things and if your boyfriend can’t see that, then he doesn’t deserve you. Amy |
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