Dear Amy,
I have been dating a guy for about nine months. A while ago he broke up with me because his friends were pressuring him to hate me. But, later the same day he "took it back". I forgave him and we started dating again. I don't know why I forgave him. I guess I thought I loved him. Anyways, he broke up with me again just a few days ago saying that breaking up with me the first time took a chunk out of our relationship that can never be replaced and that he knows his best friend likes me. He told me he still wants to be friends. I know his best friend likes me and had often found myself dreaming not about my boyfriend but his best friend. Should I stay friends with my ex? Should I date his friend? Dear Perplexed, Hmm. Sticky. So, I some red flags going up here (one of moments when I wish I could ask lots of clarifying questions). It seems “strange” to me that a half a day breakup could take some irreplaceable part of your relationship away. I’m not sure why this strikes me as odd but I think there’s more to the story. And why is the friend coming up in the conversation? Ok, so if you and I were sitting across a table, I would suggest that you leave that whole situation alone for a while. You can stay friends with your ex, but I wouldn’t date his best friend anytime soon. Not sure why your ex is suggesting that you do and when faced with uncertainty, I suggest caution. Generally speaking, dating an ex’s best friend is a recipe for all sorts of drama so even if he condones it, I’d still give it some time to see how things work out. And why in the heck are his friends wanting your ex to hate you? And on the same note, why in the heck did he take them up on it (even if he took it back)? My advice: stay civil and friendly but avoid any further emotional entanglements with this crowd until you have a better understanding on what they’re all about. Amy Dear Amy,
I need help to end this relationship but save our friendship. We were best friends for over three years. He was hurt this summer in a serious car accident and he spent the majority of his time with me every day. I think this caused him to want a relationship, and he pushed it to go further. I went with it. He is in love with me, but I’ve mistaken my friendship love for real love. I tried to make love to him but it is horrible because there is no physical attraction. It does nothing for me. All physical contact makes me feel this way. I let him stay over because of his accident. It caused serious injury on the way home from work to home which is deep in the country and the woods. He stays with his parent but works far away. So I let him stay but since I agreed to the relationship he has not left. I HAVE NO SPACE!! I love him as a friend how do I tell him I love him as a friend and not hurt his feelings. Dear Friend, I am sorry that you are in such a complicated situation. It’s not at all uncommon for feelings to get really confused, especially on the heels of a big trauma. And I’m not sure there’s a simple solution to this problem. He’s probably going to be hurt no matter how gently you tell him and it would be a good idea to prepare yourself for that eventuality. I would suggest being honest but kind with him. Tell him that you’ve been really confused but that you treasure his friendship and don’t want to hurt him. Will that make it better? Probably not. But there’s no harm in letting him know that the reason this is so complicated for you is that you have strong feelings for him….just not the ones he deserves out of a romantic partner. It’s entirely possible that his feelings about you have also been amplified by the trauma of the accident. You took care of him and his feelings about you romantically are probably all tangled up with those traumatic feelings. So, the hard truth is that its likely going to hurt his feelings…but not half as much as you letting things continue until you are so resentful that you hate each other, right? And last but not least, figuring out that this isn’t going to work does not make you an evil person. Be kind. Be compassionate. But don’t let yourself be talked out of what you know is the right decision because you don’t want to be the bad guy. You’re not the bad guy. This is a very difficult situation but if you remain empathetic while sticking to your guns, it’ll be ok. Amy Dear Amy,
About 6 months ago I started dating this guy I've known off and on for about 4 years. He is really sweet to me and does anything and everything for me if I let him. He has custody of his 4 year old daughter. She is pretty much like most kids her age. She has a speech impairment which I'll come back to later....even though he is very nice to me and does things for me I can't help but get annoyed with him. He was living in an apartment when we got together but one day he decided to just move out leaving all of his furniture there to move in to a room he is renting off a friend. Which he is fixing to leave there to live in a hotel! He is on his second vehicle, which he is fixing to give back to his cousin because he said she is demanding more money then their agreement was. He bashes everyone he isn't happy with and his little girl I think gets the blunt of his anger. No I have never seen it totally but her actions when he asks her to repeat something because he didn't understand or her reaction when he asks or tells her to do something speaks for itself! I can ask her something and she will do it. But she won't for him. I feel as though I'm rambling here but it hard to reread what I have typed....I will have them come over to spend the night and it will turn into 3 or 4 days! I have tried breaking it off with him but all I can think about if his daughter and how she needs a mother. He cry's when I try breaking it off! He tells me he loves me with all his heart and he even mentions marriage on occasion. What do I do? I can't live his way! I have worked hard my whole life to have what I do and I feel as if he would just pull me down. I guess I already know the answer I just don't know how to handle it. I am feeling smothered. Dear Smothered, Yes, I think you already know what you’re going to have to do. But maybe I can give you some ideas to help you do it. It’s admirable that you want to be there for your boyfriend’s little girl but that isn’t enough to sustain a healthy relationship (and from what you’ve shared, I think there are a lot of issues that keep this relationship from being healthy). If you suspect that the little girl is being abused or neglected, you need to address that. But you can’t fix the situation for her by sticking around and becoming more and more unhappy. Kids are smart. She’ll pick that up. I think the behaviors you’re describing in your boyfriend are indicative of a guy who hasn’t figured out how to be fully grown up yet. He’s having issues following through on things. He’s running away instead of finishing things he’s started. And he’s leashing out and blaming others rather than taking responsibility for his own situation. I’m sure he sees you as a safe haven…a constant in a life that probably feels out of control for him. But you can’t fix that. And it sounds to me like you don’t really want to anyway. It’s better for him and for you if you just break it off and stick to your guns. Or, if you want to give it one last try, you need to set some firm and clear boundaries. For instance, tell him that when you invite him over for a night that means one night and one night only. You don’t have to be unkind. And seeing boundaries being set and enforced might even be a good thing for his daughter to see happening. I doubt she’s going to get a lot of that from him. Amy Dear Amy,
My boyfriend recently broke up with me about 3 days ago and he asked me if it’s OK to date my friend yesterday. I said its OK to both my friend and my ex but honestly I feel hurt and I'm not good enough. How do I get over him and just not care? I want them both to be happy but I also want to be happy as well. Dear Okay, It’s unfortunate that both your friend and your boyfriend didn’t wait a little bit longer to make the whole situation a little easier on you (sure, sometimes friends date ex's but sheesh, its been 3 days). The truth is, we often say things are ok when they’re not. It may have seemed like it would be ok but being in the situation is a lot different than thinking about it, right? So, I think you have to start by acknowledging that you are hurt…that’s it’s really not ok for them to be dating, even if you said it was…and that it’s absolutely normal for you to be feeling this way. Now, about getting over him and not caring….hmm, its not likely to happen. Yes, you will get over him but don’t make not caring a part of that or you’re setting yourself up for disaster. You’re going to care. It’s your friend he’s dating so this isn’t going to go away. And you can give yourself permission (in fact, I’m giving you permission too) to feel kind of crummy about the whole thing and to continue feeling a little crummy about it as long as you feel like it. I would suggest just being honest about how you’re feeling (without being hateful). If you and your friend are going to remain friends then she probably needs to understand that you’re hurting and things aren’t ok right now but they will be eventually. It’s admirable for you to want them to be happy but you don’t have to sacrifice your own happiness or stifle your feelings in order to make that happen. And one final note…of course you’re good enough. This relationship wasn’t the right one for you but that doesn’t mean that you won’t find one that’s better. Take care of yourself. Amy Dear Amy,
An ex of mine and I have been talking a lot lately. The break up for me was devastating and I couldn’t talk to him for 10 years. Bad thing is that he was still in my heart. Can I still be friends with him now but the feelings are there? Dear Reconnecting, Anything is possible, but I can’t help but sense some trouble on the horizon. What it all really comes down to are your intentions. Do you want to be friends with him or are you hoping for more? If the answer is that you’re looking to get back together, then no, you probably can’t be friends with him without it getting super complicated. I’m wondering why the breakup was devastating? Is it possible that you’ve been lacking closure on that relationship and that reconnecting with him is bringing up feelings that haven’t been resolved for you? If so, again, I think things will get pretty complicated pretty fast. The truth is, its not uncommon or unusual even for people to reconnect many years later and it’s not impossible for you to be great friends. But the fact that your relationship ended in such emotional devastation that you couldn’t talk to him for a whole decade makes me wonder what it is you are hoping to get out of a friendship with him. Will it be healing or will it make things harder for you? What are his intentions? These are the things I would encourage you to consider as you move forward. Amy Dear Amy,
I was recently in a long term relationship with a girl for two years. She is new to college and her first weekend away from home she invited me up and had a panic attack that night. I couldn't seem to help and it killed me to see her so upset. She wasn't adjusting well to school and it didn't seem like her roommate (also a close friend of mine and my girlfriends best friend, didn't seem to help much). About a week or so after her panic attack, her dog was hit and killed by a car. She was very upset about the accident and wouldn't let me help. I didn't know how I could help. She didn't seem to get that we were a team and that whatever she struggled with I was there for her. I know I should have given her space when she needed it but it was too hard because I care about her so much. We continued dating, but she was very distant, always depressed and struggling with school and her best friend pushing her away. One weekend she invited me to school and after a few hours with friends she told me we had to go back to her dorm. I knew exactly what was going to happen. She cried and struggled to break up with me. We seemed to end on good terms mainly because I didn't want to upset her and I just wanted her to feel better. She had told me she broke up with me because she couldn't drag me through her problems. It upset me because I was so committed and had and still have so much to give her. I care so much about her and I kept thinking about how it wasn't about me at all. I just wanted her to feel better. She had told me she would talk to me about it all once she could, but I am not fully convinced she will. In the weeks that followed I had hopes that we could one day get back together. She came back for her thanksgiving break recently and my heart stopped when I saw her. I attempted to try and hang out with her but she claimed to be busy. It may have been too soon to try and hang out but I just wanted her back in my life. Since then she has been talking to another friend we share and that friend had informed me that it doesn't look as likely that we will get back together. She said that my ex girlfriend had said that she wanted to be single for some time since she had been in a relationship for so long. This hurt, but I'm still not ready to give up. My cousin has been faced with the same situation and so I turned to him. He said his girlfriend had said the same thing that she needed to be single a little bit and that getting back together did not seem likely. They have since gotten back together. I'm just not sure what to do. I know she needs her space, but I don't want to give up on her. I don't want her to be over me. I know I have to face the fact that we might not get back together, but I still think there is a chance. I’m not sure if my ex girlfriend will ever talk to me about it and that annoys me. I constantly battle with myself and tell myself not to talk to her. It's not right to at the moment. I tell myself I need to wait until she comes to me but it seems too hard. I care about this girl so much and all that I have done has been for her. I know that if we do get back together than things will have to be different but for now I just don't know what the possibilities of that happening are. I just don't know how to handle it all right now. She will be coming home for break in the coming days and I don know what to do. Do I just proceed as friends and hope for the best or do what everyone says and forget about someone I care and love so much. Dear Hanging On, My heart goes out to you. It’s devastating to lose someone you love, especially when you haven’t had the opportunity for closure. In answering you, I want to focus on two things. First, you and how you’re handling your breakup. And second, your ex-girlfriend and some of the things that may be fueling her behavior. Let’s start with you. I’m concerned because you are so consumed with this relationship. Your question is literally overflowing with thoughts of your ex-girlfriend, concern for her, obsessive thinking about getting back together. You even seem to have stifled your own feelings during the breakup because you were concerned with how she would feel. I think you need to try and put your relationship with her aside for a while and focus on you and your life. What are you doing? Are you in school? Are you spending time with friends and experiencing life? No matter what happens with your ex, you need to spend time on you. It’s not healthy for you to spend all of your time planning her next visit and worrying about how it will go. Trust me, I’m an obsessive thinker and I can tell you that this path does not lead to happiness. So, let’s talk about her for a little bit. Starting college, being on her own, etc. These are all really big changes for a person and from what you’ve said, she may suffer from some anxiety and depression. One thing that is often difficult for people who suffer anxiety and depression to deal with is not knowing how to “handle” the people they love. You mention in your letter that you wanted to help her and wanted her to feel like you were a team. But when you’re having panic and depression, you don’t feel like you can be a team. You don’t feel like anyone can understand how you’re feeling. And often, you get frustrated when people who don’t know how you feel act like they do or try to help in ways that aren’t helpful. Sounds frustrating right? Well, it is. Believe me. Not just for her but for you and everyone else around her. Consider this, could the break down in her relationship with her roommate be partially because her depression is hard for the roommate to handle? It’s complex and its hard to know exactly what she might be feeling but I can imagine that she may simply have gotten to a point where she needed to be alone so she could regroup. Maybe. In your letter, you say it’s not about you. And that’s exactly right. It may have nothing to do with you really. And I know that’s no consolation, but I bring it up because in another line you say you don’t want her to get over you. But here’s the thing. It’s really not up to you whether she does or not. AND because you care about her, I know you’ll understand that not getting over you is actually not healthy for her. You know that obnoxious saying “If you love someone let them go…” There’s something to it (though I truly hate hearing it and I can’t believe I’m saying it…bleh). The truth is, if you love this girl, you need to be willing to let her go so she can live her life in the way that is easiest for her. Whether she didn’t want to drag you into her problems or whether she just needed a break, it doesn’t really matter. The result is the same. And the more you push her to get back together, the more she’s going to resist (it’s a human nature thing). Take a deep breath. Think about some of the things you’ve been putting aside and do them. When she comes to visit, be her friend without pressuring her. Let what’s going to happen, happen. I am a person who does not deal well with uncertainty. I like to plan things and shape them and make them work the way I want them to. So I know how hard what I’m telling you really is to do. But sometimes you have to take the hard road to get where you want to go. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been married over one year recently. The first week of my marriage my husband physically abused me and with me being out of work I lost everything that I owned before the marriage. He could not provide for me, we moved with his relatives and I found out that he was bipolar and schizophrenic. After the episode of him jumping on me for the third time after he said he would not touch me like that, I left and moved out the state back to my home town. I married my first love so I thought. He drinks a lot and he has done more than smoking weed. He wasn't willing to change at all. My experience has been hell. We talk and he is more hoping I will give in and come back. He is not what I want in a man. He's jealous and wants unusual attention. I'm so exhausted with the mood swings. On the other hand my ex boyfriend of 12/14years we spit up a year almost 2. To make a long story short he wants a relationship with me. Yes we have had a lot of problems as a couple... He's heart is good but I feel like he's pressuring me when I feel like I need to put more focus on me getting my life back together. It's confusing me, I need advice. My ex is telling me how much he loves me and want to support me and I believe him. But is it self motivated. Dear Overwhelmed, Please, please, please tell your ex-boyfriend you are not ready for another relationship. Listen, it sounds to me like you’re last few years have been a nightmare and its not unusual to want to cling to something that seems stable when we wake up from that nightmare, right? But you’re already telling me that your relationship with your ex-boyfriend isn’t great so that instinct that is telling you that you need to focus on getting your life back together...listen to that. Your body is telling you this isn’t the right thing. Don’t ignore your instincts! They are there to protect you. I have a question for you: something to think about and if you want to contact me again, please do. Was there something traumatic that happened to you growing up? What I’m hearing in your letter, the rapid progression from one bad relationship to another, makes me want to tell you to take this opportunity to do some self-exploration. Find a good counselor and focus on yourself. I can tell from personal experience that the moment when you have that “OMG! There’s a pattern to my life” is a liberating time and when you identify the patterns and figure out how to recognize them and make different choices, its pretty much the most amazing thing. You’re whole life will change. Bottom line, my advice is this: this is you time. Don’t take on a new relationship until you are ready and it feels right. If your ex-boyfriend really loves you, he’ll wait. Amy Dear Amy,
My ex and I broke up in July he still has not gotten all of his belongings is he doing this to keep a connection to me? Dear Hostage, It could be that your ex is trying to keep a connection with you. Are you still friends? Has he been putting off getting the stuff or “forgetting?” It also could be that he feels too awkward about the breakup, he avoids confrontation or he’s just plain lazy. Whatever the reason, my advice to you is the same. Give him a deadline. Muster up your kindest most compassionate tone and let him know very plainly that if he doesn’t get his stuff by Friday or a week from Tuesday or the end of the month (whatever works for you) that you’re going to throw it out. You don’t have to be mean but you do have to mean what you say. So, are we talking a toothbrush and a shirt or two, or do his belongings include furniture, sports equipment or other big ticket items? Either way, put them in a box or pile them next to your front door so you’ll be super motivated to get them out of the way. When (if) he comes to get them, help him load them up. Don’t bring up the fact that he’s been putting this off for months. Just thank him for helping you take care of this issue and wish him well. If he still doesn’t come for his stuff, get rid of it. Toss it in the dumpster. Take it to a thrift shop. Have a garage sale and make a little extra holiday money. Whatever you decide to do, if he doesn’t claim his things they become your things and you can do whatever you want with them, including throwing them away. If it’s a lot of stuff, call your local thrift shop and see if they’ll pick it up. The bottom line is that you guys are done and its not helping anyone move on to have this stuff lingering. Don’t worry too much about his reasoning. Take action! Reclaim your space! Amy |
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