Proceeding with Caution

Dear Amy,
I am a 45 year old woman who identifies as bisexual. I recently began online dating and I have connected with a woman that I'm very interested in, and I know the feeling is mutual. She initiated contact (this is an important point because I never would have considered contacting her), and we have been exchanging lengthy, heartfelt, and emotionally intimate messages for about a month. We are looking forward to meeting in person, but I have been holding off. She is incredibly intelligent, extremely mature, spiritual, compassionate, gorgeous, interesting, etc. She seems to embody every quality I am looking for in a partner and we have a tremendous amount in common. We both study psychology, and she has no concerns about pursuing this, but I do, because I am afraid people are going to judge me. The issue is that she is twenty one years old. If her age wasn't stated on her profile, I would have assumed from the depth and quality of our communication that she was near my own age. I believe age is just a number and as long as someone is an adult, it is appropriate to pursue a relationship if there is mutual interest and compatibility. She is more mature and insightful than the vast majority of the population, but I don't want to do her any disservice by pursuing this. Although I normally prefer not to let my behavior be determined by the opinions of others, I am very concerned about what people (especially our families) will think. Although I think there is potential for us to have a very satisfying and mutually beneficial relationship that will help both of us to continue to evolve, I am uncertain about how to handle the issues that may arise. I never would have conceived that it was possible for me to fall for someone so young, but I believe she is a very old soul and this is a unique situation. I am extremely close to my parents, but I just recently revealed that I am bisexual, and I am afraid that the idea of me dating a much younger woman would be too much for them to handle. I hope you have some insight and advice for me regarding how to proceed. I plan to take things very slowly, but I just want to make sure that I am taking everything into consideration. I just began reading your advice today, and you seem to be open-minded, compassionate, and wise, so I would really appreciate your input. Thank you so much!

Dear Caution,

      Well, the reality of the situation is that people are going to judge you. That’s true no matter what you do really. Someone is always going to have an opinion and its hard not to let it affect us. Ok. So there’s that. I say get the hard truths on the table and then we can talk through the rest of it.
     Being bisexual can be very difficult. It seems that bisexuals get judged from a million different directions and it’s really unfair. The bottom line is that who you choose to have an intimate relationship with is completely up to you and people should either support your choice or have the good sense to butt out. But how other people feel about your relationship is neither here nor there. You just need to feel confident in the choices you make. Despite anyone else’s opinions, it’s your happiness on the line here.
     The age difference is just another element that people will either have an opinion on or not and this particular topic is close to my heart. There is a significant age difference between my significant other and I, and I completely understand your concerns. We’ve had to put up with other people’s opinions (he’s older so I am viewed as a child or a gold digger or his mid-life crisis…obviously unworthy in some way). And people think it’s strange that I am with someone who is so much older. But the truth is, we connect. We have a mature, loving relationship and it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. And the same applies to you. Will people form opinions? Yes. Will they state those opinions? Unfortunately, sometimes they will. But at the end of the day, my relationship is amazing and happy and stable and I wouldn’t trade it for something less gossip worthy. And I wish the same for you.
     When you find someone with whom you share such a strong connection, it’s a gift. Don’t let other’s peoples insecurities and inability to mind their own business get in the way of what might just be the love of your life. You deserve happiness. And with your family, I suggest being honest and empathetic. If they support you now, they’ll get over any reservations they have over the age difference.

Wishing you luck and love.

Amy