Feeling Smothered

Dear Amy,
     About 6 months ago I started dating this guy I've known off and on for about 4 years. He is really sweet to me and does anything and everything for me if I let him. He has custody of his 4 year old daughter. She is pretty much like most kids her age. She has a speech impairment which I'll come back to later....even though he is very nice to me and does things for me I can't help but get annoyed with him. He was living in an apartment when we got together but one day he decided to just move out leaving all of his furniture there to move in to a room he is renting off a friend. Which he is fixing to leave there to live in a hotel! He is on his second vehicle, which he is fixing to give back to his cousin because he said she is demanding more money then their agreement was. He bashes everyone he isn't happy with and his little girl I think gets the blunt of his anger. No I have never seen it totally but her actions when he asks her to repeat something because he didn't understand or her reaction when he asks or tells her to do something speaks for itself! I can ask her something and she will do it. But she won't for him.
     I feel as though I'm rambling here but it hard to reread what I have typed....I will have them come over to spend the night and it will turn into 3 or 4 days! I have tried breaking it off with him but all I can think about if his daughter and how she needs a mother. He cry's when I try breaking it off! He tells me he loves me with all his heart and he even mentions marriage on occasion. What do I do? I can't live his way! I have worked hard my whole life to have what I do and I feel as if he would just pull me down. I guess I already know the answer I just don't know how to handle it. I am feeling smothered.

Dear Smothered,

     Yes, I think you already know what you’re going to have to do. But maybe I can give you some ideas to help you do it.
     It’s admirable that you want to be there for your boyfriend’s little girl but that isn’t enough to sustain a healthy relationship (and from what you’ve shared, I think there are a lot of issues that keep this relationship from being healthy). If you suspect that the little girl is being abused or neglected, you need to address that. But you can’t fix the situation for her by sticking around and becoming more and more unhappy. Kids are smart. She’ll pick that up.
     I think the behaviors you’re describing in your boyfriend are indicative of a guy who hasn’t figured out how to be fully grown up yet. He’s having issues following through on things. He’s running away instead of finishing things he’s started. And he’s leashing out and blaming others rather than taking responsibility for his own situation. I’m sure he sees you as a safe haven…a constant in a life that probably feels out of control for him. But you can’t fix that. And it sounds to me like you don’t really want to anyway. It’s better for him and for you if you just break it off and stick to your guns. Or, if you want to give it one last try, you need to set some firm and clear boundaries. For instance, tell him that when you invite him over for a night that means one night and one night only. You don’t have to be unkind. And seeing boundaries being set and enforced might even be a good thing for his daughter to see happening. I doubt she’s going to get a lot of that from him. 

Amy