I Changed My Mind

Dear Amy,
I have been seeing this guy for about a month and we had not had sex until last night. I have intimacy issues due to a past relationship and I was not ready for intercourse. Last night we were at his house and things were progressing toward intercourse and I expressed that I was not ready and wanted to stop. At this point we were both mostly undressed when I changed my mind and told him to stop. He complained to me that it wasn't fair to go this far and tell him to stop. He continued to guilt me and persuade me  to continue and I regretfully let him. After he was finished I began to cry and went to the bathroom. I mildly gained my composure and got dressed. He seemed irritated that I was upset and did not ask me if I was ok. I left with an awkward goodbye because I wasn't sure what to do. As of tonight he has not called or texted. I am so lost about what to do or where to go from here. Help please!


Dear Changed,  

     What happened to you was not ok and I'm going to be very honest with you. In the best light, it was disrespectful and lacking empathy. In the worst light, I think you could view this as an attack. Sexual assault is complex and more subtle than people usually think. It involves coercion and using manipulation and guilt to get sex counts. Everyone…wait, let me say that again….EVERYONE has the right to refuse to have sex AT ANY TIME during a sexual encounter. That means that even if you are in the middle of intercourse and you decide you are done, you are completely within your rights to stop and to expect that your partner will respect your decision.
     The fact that this guy was not sympathetic to your tears tells me that he does not get it. And the fact that he hasn’t contacted you should be the final kick in the pants you need to run fast in the opposite direction.
     So, let’s talk about you. I would like you to consider talking with a counselor (your local rape crisis center can refer you to someone who knows what you've been through). You may find that you are able to move forward with ease, or you may struggle. If you struggle, don’t wait to get help. What happened to you was not your fault and the fact that you are reaching out to me shows me that you might benefit from talking to someone who can help you sort through your feelings. Take care of yourself and know that your wishes deserve respect.

Amy