Focus on the Positive, Address the Negative

Dear Amy,
Me and my ex want to get back together. But we don't know when or if we even will. Our relationship ended horribly, but he still had feelings for me and I still had feelings for him. But the reason we broke up was because he wasn't independent and didn't show any affection in public and I compared our relationship too often and I didn't appreciate what he did.

Dear Focus,

      Are you sure you want to get back together? Have things changed? Have you talked about how things will different this time? If you want to get back together, you’re going to need to address the things that broke you up head-on and find ways to work past those issues should they arise again. For instance, is he more independent now? Because if he’s not, that’s probably going to be an instant source of resentment for you. Same goes with the public displays of affection. If you’re thinking has changed then maybe it will work out, but past transgressions have a way of rearing their ugly heads. You are both carrying a lot of baggage from your previous relationship and you can’t just ignore it if you want to move on together.
     So two things, it sounds like you had some pretty specific feelings about his past behaviors and you’ll need to figure out to deal with those things now. Have you asked him about the public affection ban? Understanding why he feels that way might make it easier for you to cope. And establishing boundaries might help with the problem of independence. Then, when it comes to you, it sounds like he was feeling unappreciated. Recognizing when he’s making an effort and letting him you know you appreciate it is going to be essential in starting anew.
     And we all get stuck now and again in comparison mode, but you have to try hard to get out of that habit. Comparing never ends well. Every relationship is unique with its own set of people, dynamics and circumstances. It’s important to realize that someone else’s way of doing things won’t necessarily work for you, especially if it doesn’t come naturally. Consider whether you’re comparing because you’re unhappy with the situation or if you’re unhappy with your partner. If your discontent lies in something that is fundamental to you partner’s personality, chances are, its not going to change.
     Bottom line: talk. Be open and honest. Your chances are vastly improved if you start out from a place of solid communication and mutual acceptance.

Amy