Hoping Through Heartache

Dear Amy,
My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs. He recently admitted to cheating and has been really beating himself up about it. We have cried, talked and argued over it. I love him with all I have but I'm not sure how to heal from this. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. Is there any hope for us?

Dear Hoping,

     The simple answer is yes, of course there is hope. This is a very complicated situation and if you want to stay together, you’re both going to have to be committed to the healing process. As we all know,, good relationships are built on trust, good communication and understanding. Your trust has been shaken and it takes time to rebuild that…but its not impossible. It sounds like your husband is feeling very remorseful and is willing to accept responsibility for his actions. That’s a huge thing.
     Of course, that doesn’t make you feel better and he needs to understand that sometimes you’re going to need to be angry without having to feel sorry him because he’s being hard on himself. The reality of the situation is that you are completely justified in feeling hurt, betrayed, angry and sad. Your relationship can never be exactly the same as it was before, and you will need time to mourn that relationship. BUT, we always have the choice in life to put the past behind us and move forward. And you can move forward together.
     I would strongly suggest finding a marriage counselor that can help you both work through this situation in a safe environment. If you can commit to seeing the counselor and following through on their recommendations, its not a stretch to think that you will be able to rebuild your trust and renew your commitment to each other.
     The trick is to deal with the infidelity directly. You can’t erase it and trying to “get over it” won’t work unless you accept that it has happened and deal with it as part of your relationship story. If you don’t, then it will rear its ugly head every time you have an argument or you are feeling angry. If you want to save your marriage, you have to learn to put things in perspective and to move forward without allowing your husband’s cheating to set the tone for the rest of your relationship.
     When someone betrays our trust, one thing we deal with is a feeling of uncertainly, a loss of control over the situation. Just remember that you have choices and choosing to stick with you husband and work through this is a completely valid one. Remember to be honest with him and with yourself and to state things very clearly. “I want us to work this out but I need you to understand that this cannot happen again.” People forget to just say the words out loud. Set your boundaries and give yourself (and your husband…and your marriage) time to heal.

Amy