Haunted by Wife's Transgressions

Dear Amy,
I've been with wife for 12 years 3 of which we have been married, I feel like our marriage is in jeopardy because I have lost total trust in my wife, we've separated many times throughout the years and she's slept with other men, and when things got hard for her she come crying back to me, and I would fall right back not really giving myself a chance to move on because of how easy it was not going through all the trouble meeting someone else, our children being so young and we have history together. I said to myself that I would let it go, that I wouldn't let it bother me, but as of late its haunting me, I don't want to feel like this anymore it's tormenting, I want to trust her and give our marriage the chance it deserves but that little voice in my head tells me different, the thought of her being with another man kills me inside and messes things up in bed for me. What’s wrong with me?

Dear Haunted,

      What you’re feeling seems pretty reasonable to me. It sounds like your wife has taken for granted that you will always be there and has treated you pretty badly. You’ve let her come back so you’re angry at her, and probably at yourself, right? But wanting to make the marriage work puts you in a tricky position. You’re trying to just push those feelings away instead of dealing with them and as a result, you’re having trouble in bed. There’s nothing “wrong” with you. Your reactions, both emotional and physical, are pretty normal for your situation.
     Given your history with your wife, I would suggest finding a marriage counselor. You can’t just ignore those feelings of betrayal. As you see, they tend to take on a life of their own. Marriage counseling can be really helpful if both people are fully onboard with the process. If you find that your wife is not, I’d still look into some individual counseling so you can work on how you’re feeling. If you want your marriage to last, you’re going to have to do the work so that you can really move forward without resentment. The bottom line though is that you deserve to be in a relationship where you are treated with love and respect, so make sure that, at the end of all your work, that’s what you end up with.

Amy