Getting Mixed Messages x 2

Hi Amy,
You gave me advice about my ex and I’m trying very hard to do what's right regarding my son and I. Well my ex invited me and our son over for dinner again at his mom's house and we had a good time. So I kinda brought up the matter about getting back together again and I notice he gets a little nervous. He tells me like this..."I’m in a situation right now that I’m trying to get out of (meaning that he has a girlfriend living with him). So I asked him do you love her? He said no so I asked him do you love me? And he got nervous and started shaking his leg and said yes. I then told him well say it then, tell me you love me. He looked at me with concern into my eyes and said yes I do love you, I do. So I told him only you know how you truly feel and what’s in your heart. Either you want a family again meaning your son and I or you want to stay were you’re at. I mean he's telling me that its not serious and that he doesn't know how to go about it. I mean I don't expect him to just drop everything and pick up were we left off. But I do need him to be honest with me. I don't see him trying to get out of the situation. Also when we were at his mom's he started flirting and telling me that I’m beautiful and he tried to grab my behind. I feel like he's not taking me seriously! I didn't appreciate the way he was acting with me. One thing I can tell you about my ex is that he's always been a procrastinating person. He always waits to get things done when it's too late! So I feel that he's procrastinating when it comes between me and his girlfriend. I mean he made it very clear that his relationship with her is not serious at all that he just has her there for his convenience not to marry or take her around his family. Instead he's taking me around his family. What’s really going on?

Dear Mixed,

      Good for you for bringing it up and making your ex have to talk about it, regardless of how nervous it might make him. If he tends to procrastinate, he may very well be putting things off until they reach a critical point. Procrastination and being non-confrontational sometimes go hand in hand. So I would guess that what’s happening right now is that he’s in “wait and see” mode.  He’s kind of having this relationship with is current girlfriend but he’s checking out what might be possible with you. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all just play around and see what happens? Yeah, probably not.
     What’s he’s doing to you right now is unfair and whether he’s aware of that or not doesn’t change the situation. You can’t make him change his behavior. But you can change the way you behave and react when you’re with him. You’re going to need to spell things out for him. First, him trying to touch your behind when he has a girlfriend at home is just inappropriate and you need to tell him that that behavior has to stop. You don’t have to let him have it both ways. You can say “hey, I’m open to a relationship with you but not while you’re with her.” That’s not only appropriate but it’s more fair to you and to her. If he chooses not to end things with her, then you’re getting a clear signal…time to move on.
     Having lived with a procrastinator, I can tell you that it doesn’t go away. The best you can do for yourself and your son are to draw your boundaries and to enforce them. If your ex wants to be with you, then he needs to step up. And if he doesn’t, than you deserve someone who will.

Amy