Conflicted Feelings

Dear Amy,
I like what I have read in your responses. My dilemma is that I have a same-sex partner who I have been with for eight years and now I am having feelings for men. There is one man in particular and I told my partner that I have this feeling, she was very upset and shocked. The reason this all came up is because I found a job in another state and contacted this guy just to say Hi. And felt really happy about it. My family does not like my partner, they say she is controlling and a bully. She can be that way and I am very afraid to tell her once and for all that I think these feelings for men will persist. We keep discussing it and I say- oh it was just a passing thought. How do I get over the fear of telling her my feelings?

Dear Conflicted,

      I hear a lot of internal struggle going on here, but let’s put that aside for a moment and reframe the conversation. When it comes to your current partner, the issue really isn’t your feelings for men but really your feelings for one man, one person. The fact that you have feelings for a person who isn’t your partner, despite gender, is really at the heart of your dilemma so let’s talk about that. You have feelings for another person that you want to explore and in order to do so, you’re going to have to be honest and up-front about it with your partner. I imagine that you’re fearful because you’ve been with this person for 8 years and maybe you don’t want to hurt her. Or maybe you’re afraid that she will be angry and mean. The truth is that she’s probably going to be angry and when people feel heartbroken they often lash you. The best thing you can do is prepare yourself for the conversation and be confident in your decision. This is your life after all and you need to make decisions based on what makes most sense for you.
     Ok, so here’s the reality of the situation. People think WAY too much about other people’s sexuality. I get the feeling from your question that either you’re struggling a bit with your newfound feelings for men or your partner and/or family have some definite feelings about this seeming “switch.” The bottom line is, we (big inclusive WE) are attracted to all sorts of people in our lives and anyone who tells you different is lying to themselves. We often find ourselves with people who we don’t consider our “type.” That’s the way love goes. It doesn’t always follow a pattern or fit the socially acceptable definition and honestly, that’s sometimes a very good thing. So, let’s separate the WHO of this problem and get back to basics.
     You don’t want to be with your partner anymore. If you did, you wouldn’t be thinking about how your family sees her or contacting a man from out of town. You’re looking for something else and you’re trying to justify your actions/decisions by finding fault with your partner or struggling with considerations of sexuality. I’m not saying that those aren’t perfectly valid issues to grapple with, but I would suggest that they are not really the problem here. The real issue is that you want to break up. Am I right?
     So here’s how you get over the fear of telling your partner your feelings. Give yourself permission to have those feelings. Don’t write them off as being a passing thought, either to your partner or to yourself. Embrace the fact that you are a dynamic person with changing needs and that even though it may be scary or different than the way your life has been, those needs are important and valid and should be honored and respected. Give yourself permission to find happiness. By doing this, you will ease the fear. The conversation may not be pleasant, but you will be confident that you are making the right decision, whatever it may be, for reasons that are important to you.

Be strong.

Amy