At an Impasse

Dear Amy,
I feel like my wants are being put to a halt so my husband can be happy. I mean is it so wrong to want to expand our family? I want at least one more child...my husband doesn't. People have even went as far as to tell him to get a vasectomy and not tell me. He says we have beautiful perfect kids... a girl & a boy and that's all he wants. But, correct me if I'm wrong.... but when we're on our death bed no one says, "I wish we didn't have more kids." But, people do say that they wish they would've been able to have more children or a bigger family. I don't know how to not want what I want or, to not end up resenting him for being what I feel is selfish. He doesn't even consider how I feel he just says, "hell no I don't want anymore so no!". I don't know what to do. All I've ever wanted was a big family & to stay home & raise them up right. Am I wrong to want to bring more love & joy & also a little chaos into our lives!?

Dear Impasse,

     This is a complicated problem and one that is going to require some serious communication and patience. Being at cross purposes when it comes to something big like having children can be extremely hard on a relationship. So first, I would suggest taking a big deep breath and breathing anytime you feel overwhelmed by the emotional parts of this argument.
      Ok, so let me ask something first. Did your husband know you wanted more than 2 kids before you go married or before you started having children? Was this something you talked about at the beginning? People change as time passes so pulling out the “but you knew I wanted a big family” card may not get you very far. I just wondered if this was something you guys had talked about previously.
     So, I’m going to ask you to do something that may feel really difficult in your current state of mind. I’m going to ask you to try to see things from his perspective….not because I think you’re wrong or your feelings don’t matter, but because coming to a resolution is going to take communication, understanding and empathy and it has to start somewhere. So let’s walk through this…you have two beautiful children who you both love and who (like mine and everyone else’s) probably take up tons of time and energy. Is your husband just feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of another child? Are there any financial concerns? Once my youngest was out of diapers, I was excited to move on to the next phase. Sometimes I look at other people’s babies and think “wouldn’t another one be so nice” but then I think about having to go back to diapers and bottles and everything that goes along with having a baby and it feels overwhelming to me. Is your husband maybe feeling that too?
     Marriages are partnerships, the good and the bad. You get a companion. Someone to share your life with. Someone to love. But as with business partnerships, you also find yourself in a situation where one person can veto the others vote and that’s what is happening here. Your husband knows he’s an essential part of the equation so he’s relying on the fact that his no vote means the debate is over. But who wants their marriage to be like a business? So you two are going to have to find a way to talk through this, even if its painful, and try to find some common ground. You’re a team and you need to be working together. After all, you have two beautiful children who need a stable and loving home life.
     And whoever suggested he get a vasectomy without discussing it with you…send them my way, they deserve a lecture on trust and respect. There should never be a need to take such drastic measures because you two should be working so closely together and communicating so well that it would never even occur to someone to make that remark. Make that your goal.
     My feeling is that you are both digging your heels in on this issue and under those circumstances there’s no happy way out. So take a breath. Take a step back. And try to consider this issue from his perspective. Ask him to do the same for you. Tell him that you love him and want to work through this without building resentments. Be honest without accusing or attacking. Tell him how it makes you feel when he dismisses your wants but also let him know that you’ve been considering his point of view so he knows that he’s not being disregarded either.
     Remember all the wonderful reasons why you chose to have children with this man in the first place and begin the conversation again from a place of mutual respect and love.

Amy