Dear Amy,
Is there any hope for an insanely jealous wife? She thinks I sneak women in the house while she’s sleeping. I don’t work. Hardly ever leave the house. Still she is totally convinced I am having affairs. Making my life a living hell. Dear Living, There’s always hope but I do think you guys need some help. I’m not sure what’s going on here. Have there been trust issues or infidelities in the past? Has your wife been especially stressed out? I would suggest seeking some marriage counseling. It sounds like there’s a lot going on here and I think having someone who can help you work on all your issues in a safe and supportive environment is a really good idea. Look for marriage counselors in your area. And good luck! Amy Dear Amy,
What if you two are separated and she wants a divorce and you don’t. It is where we were arguing, her yelling and I said I would slap her if she didn't get out of my face but I didn’t. We had other problems like a step girl and dad that caused a lot of problems. We have been through a lot she has had 14 surgeries. We have five kids; two mine, two hers and one together. This is a woman I would do anything for. Can you tell me if there is a way to fix it? Dear Trying, It sounds to me like there are some very big issues here that you and your wife don’t agree on. I would strongly suggest finding a counselor. If your wife is willing to go with you, find a marriage or family counselor. If not, an individual counselor would be able to help you sort out some of the issues that need to be resolved if you want to fix your marriage. Ultimately, they’ll be able to help you find common ground and to work on dealing with conflict more effectively. You can look for counselors in your area through the APA website. The link is on my Resources page. Amy Dear Amy,
First of all let me say sorry for my bad spelling...We are married for 13 years but have been together for 19. We still love the other but our sex life is as much fun as pulling teeth. I am the husband. I’m straight but I love anal sex. My wife walked in on me once and was not happy. She says she is not into what I’m into. I still play solo. How can I get her to join in with me. We both are in our early 40s. Dear Experimental, Part of being in a healthy relationship (married or not) and being a respectful sexual partner is learning to take no for an answer. So, the answer to your question is simple. You can ask your wife to join you. If she says no, that’s it. You may feel disappointed but maybe there are other things she is willing to try with you to spice things up. Either way, if she’s not into the things you’re into, you need to let it go. There’s nothing wrong with going solo as long as it’s not causing problems in your relationship. If you continue having problems, I’d suggest finding a counselor to talk to…someone who can help you guys find some common ground when it comes to sex. And one little hint…for women, intimacy is often associated in our minds with non-sexual things. Do you spend quality alone time together? Do you help her around the house? Do you guys have date nights? It may sound crazy, but you might find that looking for non-sexual ways to connect with your wife may actually improve your sex life too. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm not sure I'm able to fall in love with my husband again. We've been married for 9 years and for years (dating and married) he cheated, lied and didn't love me. His love for me could be measured in percentages, as he often told me. I love you 10%, 25% etc. He often went to zero :( As years passed I no longer cared. Now he says he loves me and has changed his cold ways, I believe he does love me now but for years when he didn't, I gradually stopped. Is it possible to fall in love again with someone you almost started to hate? Am I doomed to a loveless marriage for my kids? I love him but not like I should. I'm not In love with anyone else, I loved him so much once that I truly wish I could love him that way again. Dear Wanting, You can’t go backward. Life doesn’t move in that direction. Even if your husband had been good to you (and what you’re telling me says that is not the case) you would still be approaching your relationship now from a different place and a different perspective than you did 9 years ago. Before I get to your question, I want to say that you (and we all) deserve to be with someone who will not withhold love, affection and intimacy from us. Your husband’s previous behavior is shameful really and it cannot be undone. You both need to accept that those years have made an impact on your feelings. That being said, no, you are not doomed to a loveless marriage for the sake of your kids. You’ve admitted that you love your husband still,, though not in the way you did before. And its probably never going to be the way it was before but keep in mind, that’s a good thing. You don’t really go back to being unloved, cheated on, lied to…right? So in making a choice to move forward with your husband, you will need to do some work to rebuild your relationship. Instead of thinking about how things used to be, think about how they could be and how they are. Focus on the things you enjoy doing together. Find new ways to connect. Accept that things are different but that different could actually be better. You can’t change the past but you can choose to live the future on your own terms. You can draw boundaries for yourself. You can find new and creative ways to reignite the romance in your relationship. You can work on being the woman you want to be and having the relationship you want. This is a good time to refocus on you and then work from there at making your relationship something different and better than what it has been. Just please don’t let yourself be loved by percentages. You are worth more than that. Amy Dear Amy,
I want out of my marriage of 5-6 yrs but don't know how to tell her. Dear Out, Without knowing more about the reasons why you want out of your marriage, the best advice I can offer you is to be compassionate. Are you sure this is what you want? If so, try to be direct but kind. If you’re debating how to tell her, I’m guessing this is going to be a surprise for her and probably very painful. Not all marriages work out, but even if you want to leave yours, you have the opportunity to do so with kindness, compassion and empathy. Amy Dear Amy,
My husband and I have been married for 10 years, we have one child together, and I have three children brought into this marriage. I feel I'm at the breaking point, and don't know what to do. He's tired of financially supporting my other 3, yet before we married, he made it clear that he wanted none of their fathers to be connected to them whatsoever. My oldest is 17, and graduating this year. My youngest of my 3, is 12. He knows no one other than my husband. It's become very verbally abusive, and constantly ridiculing me for not financially contributing, yet doesn't want me working outside of the home. I'm confused, tired, beyond stressed and dealing with depression. I also have a single injury requiring surgery soon. I feel like I'm ready to leave, and not turn back. I feel I'm wasting my time. He offers absolutely no support dealing with anything to do with the kids except our child together. My other children see and know his lack of connection with them. Should I consider counseling or move on? He has a very egotistical personality, so I don't have confidence in counseling for him. I have been in counseling for years due to PTSD, from an entire childhood of sexual, physical, emotional and mental abuse. It's a mess! Dear Ready, Wow, that’s a lot to deal with and I can understand why you’ve hit your breaking point. Have you talked with your current counselor about your relationship and how it’s affecting you and your children? I’ve thought long and hard about how to respond to your question. I have many questions of my own and before I start giving you my perspective, I want to recommend that you stay in counseling and that you consider some family counseling, with or without your husband, for you and your kids. They’re going to need help working through this situation regardless of whether you choose to stay or go. So there were some pretty big red flags for me in your letter starting with the fact that your husband insisted that your children’s fathers had nothing to do with them. Not knowing your background with their fathers, I hesitate. I can understand not wanting to have anything to do with men who have been abusive or have other negative issues that might affect your family. However (and this is a big however), having your kid’s dads involved in supporting them is actually a really important thing. I understand that ego can get in the way sometimes (new husband wants to take care of wife and kids by himself) BUT that neither relieves the other dads from their responsibility NOR does it mean that cutting those people out of their lives is the best thing for your kids. The truth of the matter is that the financial support is not at all about you or your husband, but about your kids…about providing for their needs. So it concerns me a little bit that he was so ready to remove your children’s fathers from their lives. That, coupled with the verbal abuse that is taking place now makes me very wary of your husband’s intentions. How long have things been like this? Do you have a support system outside your marriage? Why doesn’t he want you working outside the home, especially if financial contribution is an issue for him? These are some of the things I would ask you to consider if we were chatting in person. Ok, so down to the quick of it. It is absolutely unacceptable for him to be verbally abusive. Period. To you or to your kids. And treating them different than his biological kid is emotionally abusive to them (all of them, including his biological child). The abuse needs to stop. Whether that happens as a result of counseling or you leaving, you have an obligation to yourself and to your children to raise them in a safe and healthy environment. If you want to work on keeping your family together, then yes, I suggest family counseling. If your husband isn’t receptive, that’s one consideration in making a decision to stay or go. If he doesn’t want to make things better than you need to make a decision that’d going to keep your and your kids safe emotionally. Now, back to you. First, kudos for seeking counseling and working on your issues because abuse stays with us throughout our lives and is present in every decision we make, whether for good or for bad. I would suggest speaking with your counselor about next steps for you and your family. Living in an abusive environment is certainly going to undermine the work you are doing on your own PTSD and abuse recovery. And the hard truth is that your children are learning from what they are seeing around them. Tell your counselor that you need things to change and that you need their help in making that happen. If they recommend family counseling, try it. But have them help you work on boundaries. The bottom line is that your husband’s behavior is unreasonable and unacceptable. He married you knowing that you had children he would be responsible for. He has an obligation to treat those kids with respect. I’m concerned that his decisions both to have you stay at home and to keep your other children’s fathers out of their lives is a way of isolating you. I don’t want to be an alarmist and maybe I am totally off base here (I’m operating on a very small snapshot of your lives), but there’s not much about this situation that seems functional to me. Find help! See your current counselor or seek out a new one if you need to. Find a family counselor. You may even try contacting your local domestic violence program and see what kind of family services they provide. Regardless what action you take, please know that you are deserving of love and respect. You do not have to accept a life of verbal abuse and ridicule. Believe me. You and your children deserve more. Amy Dear Amy,
Here's my dilemma, my husband and I are having issues. He is always gone for work, which I understand (military) but we have lost our communication. So we started emailing 1 question a day to get back to a happy place in our relationship. We tackle each question and move on. It seemed to be actually working. . But then one of his answers sent sparks in my brain awaking a memory I had forgotten for 12 years. So 12 years ago we were seeing each other in my eyes.. but not officially. We were both in training in the military and young, 21 yr olds. So we did a lot of drinking. One particular weekend we were supposed to hang out but something happened...miscommunication and we didn't meet up. Well he slept with someone. I didn't know for a few weeks and had started my sexual relationship with him that very next day. Later when I found out I was hurt. His response was a typical young man's response saying well we weren't technically dating. I suppressed that memory somehow until now. So I am crazy hurt and angry. To make it all worse this memory collides with a moment with my first husband. My first husband also slept with another girl before we were officially a couple (even though we were sleeping together) so I feel these 2 events are merging and causing heartache. It has been 12 years since current husband did this.. and 16 years since experience with 1st husband. Because of the events and the pain I am feeling, I have chosen to stop the emails. My current husband insists he did nothing wrong. So my question is am I over reacting to the whole situation? It has been 12 years, and why would I forget something like that? Also why would I care so much after so long.. it's very frustrating. Dear Dilemma, I’m not sure that overreacting is really the right way of looking at this situation. Long-distance communication can be really difficult and I think what you and your husband are doing, emailing questions, is probably a great way to keep the dialogue going. But you’re definitely going to run into issues over time, this one included, and dealing with those issues long-distance is much more complicated than it would be in person. So, let’s look at the specifics. I’m not exactly sure what the trigger was in your conversation but from your reaction, I think you must be feeling that you are not being heard or that your feelings are not being taken seriously. Is that the case? I suspect that you suppressed this memory because at the time you were hurt but willing to move past it. But memories get tucked away and some of us (me included) tend to bring those out when our current feelings make us feel the same way we did then. When I’m feeling hurt in my relationship, I often bring up every incident that ever felt the same. Half the time he can’t even remember those things happening, but I can, and the hurt is acute. Remembering makes it feel like it just happened. And the reason those kinds of memories are so painful is because the feelings are completely unresolved. Let’s take your current husband for example. Young man or no, in blowing off your feelings about his sleeping with someone else, he was sending you a message: you’re making too much of this and I don’t want to take responsibility for my actions. Do we do this when we’re young? Absolutely we do. Heck, we do it when we’re older and wiser too and should know better. Just like now. The compassionate thing for him to do at this point would be to acknowledge your feelings and try to empathize. But as you said, you guys are having a hard time right now and so instead he’s defensive. He doesn’t have to see how upset you are and so it’s easy to write those feelings off as an overreaction. They are not. I repeat, your feelings are not an overreaction. They are a reaction. We all react. We all have feelings. Feelings are not fact and they are fueled by emotion making them volatile and not grounded in logic. But feelings are real and should be validated, especially by the people we love. Your first husband is just a repeat of the same feelings and behaviors. His actions were crappy. Period. And your feelings, both then and now, are fully justified. Who cares whether the relationship was “official” or “technical!” People need to have more empathy for other people’s feelings and should take responsibility for their actions (Yes, that is my opinion and boy would the world be a better place if we all acted that way, eh?). Ok, so let’s get back to you. What I hear you saying is that you have a long history of having your feelings disregarded by the men you are in relationship with. Unfortunately, these feelings are now compounding in your mind. It’s not really these past incidents, these memories, that are bothering you now (I mean, yes they are but really just as examples of the deeper problem). It’s actually the feelings associated. Whatever triggered this memory for you was probably related to feeling that your voice is not being heard or that your feelings are not be considered and taken seriously. So that’ s where you need to start. Don’t stop talking to your husband. I promise, its not going to fix the problem. Your husband needs to understand how you are feeling and I would suggest that you take a “When you…it makes me feel…” approach. Ask him to listen to you and try not to get defensive. Set ground rules for the conversation and try to stick to them. If you don’t already have a counselor, I suggest finding one. It would be really helpful to have someone who can help you work through the communication issues that are clearly at the root of your relationship problems with your husband. Military bases often have support services for families. Seek them out. I know you are frustrated and you have every right to be. Give yourself permission to feel frustrated and then to seek resolution. The fact that you and hubby are even trying to make things better tells me that you are both invested in this relationship. Build on that. Amy Dear Amy,
My fiancé can't seem to let go of his mom. I have no choice in matters. Its always what mommy wants or thinks best. He has to have surgery to repair a valve.. Its where mom wants him to go. He won't even explore other options. How can I marry someone who has no regard for my feelings? Am I wrong in thinking his mom should not play such a big part when he has his own family? Dear Marrying, What comes most to mind in reading your question is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Have you talked to your fiancé calmly and honestly about how you are feeling? If not, now is the time. In my experience, mama’s boys tend to have a major lack of boundaries with their mama and, as the mother of a boy, I can kind of see the temptation to treasure this quality in a son. I mean, what mama wouldn’t love to have a son who hangs on her every word and does exactly what she says all the time! Ok, but seriously, at some point we mom’s usually realize that raising sons capable of making their own choices is way more important than total compliance (as much as it may pain us to admit this). But in some cases those boundaries are never really defined. This can have to do with a lot of things: culture, family make-up and history, personalities, etc. But at the end of the day, being in a relationship with an adult mama’s boy requires two things: boundaries (yep, there it is again) and empathy. Let’s start with boundaries. You need to sit down with your fiancé and have a frank discussion about how you feel. From your question, I gather that you are generally feeling second in his life and that’s probably not a great position to occupy going into a marriage. However, I’m not advocating that you give him what for and expect him to fall in line. Actually, having a husband who loves and respects his mother is not the worst quality he could have. But part of any healthy relationship is communication and respect. He’ll need to understand how you feel and you can expect him to not only respect, but also to enforce your boundaries with his mother. So, we’ve dealt with your feelings. Now let’s deal with his. His mama has been the center of his emotional life forever, literally. And habits like that are hard to change so give him some time. If you’re going to have a long and happy life together, it’s going to include her and I’m sensing some serious resentment on your part. You can’t hate your mother-in-law (well, I mean, you can but it makes it really really hard, especially when your husband adores her). Do you get along with her? Is she the type of person you could bring into this conversation at some point? Because part of setting boundaries is also clearly stating them to the people who will be part of abiding by them and that means your future mother-in-law. So now let’s move onto the empathy part. Because I’m concerned that you’ve gotten yourself into such a state of head-butting with your man’s mom that you might be having a hard time seeing his point of view in this. For instance when it comes to the valve repair, while you two should be openly discussing this, it ultimately should be his decision (no matter how he arrived at it) as to where, when and how he chooses to have medical procedures done. I would say the same thing to him about you, so what I would suggest in this situation is to put the mama tension aside and respect whatever decision he’s made. He’ll need your love and support regardless. Ok, reality check time. Your mama’s boy isn’t going to let go of his mother completely, nor should he. But her role in his life should change now that he is beginning his own family and yes, your feelings should be respected (even if he doesn’t always do things the way you want him to either). But those kinds of changes don’t happen overnight and trying to take on mama head-on is not only going to cause a rift between you and your fiancé, but is also likely to breed numerous problems down the road. You guys need to talk to each other and as long as you’re both making an effort to listen, understand and empathize with one another, you’ll be fine. Tuck this advice away, because I promise, when you have a son, you’ll have those moments where you want him to live and breathe every word you say and you’ll need to stomp that tendency down into the ground so that he can grow up to be a capable, self-reliant individual who makes his mama proud. Amy Dear Amy,
My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs. He recently admitted to cheating and has been really beating himself up about it. We have cried, talked and argued over it. I love him with all I have but I'm not sure how to heal from this. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. Is there any hope for us? Dear Hoping, The simple answer is yes, of course there is hope. This is a very complicated situation and if you want to stay together, you’re both going to have to be committed to the healing process. As we all know,, good relationships are built on trust, good communication and understanding. Your trust has been shaken and it takes time to rebuild that…but its not impossible. It sounds like your husband is feeling very remorseful and is willing to accept responsibility for his actions. That’s a huge thing. Of course, that doesn’t make you feel better and he needs to understand that sometimes you’re going to need to be angry without having to feel sorry him because he’s being hard on himself. The reality of the situation is that you are completely justified in feeling hurt, betrayed, angry and sad. Your relationship can never be exactly the same as it was before, and you will need time to mourn that relationship. BUT, we always have the choice in life to put the past behind us and move forward. And you can move forward together. I would strongly suggest finding a marriage counselor that can help you both work through this situation in a safe environment. If you can commit to seeing the counselor and following through on their recommendations, its not a stretch to think that you will be able to rebuild your trust and renew your commitment to each other. The trick is to deal with the infidelity directly. You can’t erase it and trying to “get over it” won’t work unless you accept that it has happened and deal with it as part of your relationship story. If you don’t, then it will rear its ugly head every time you have an argument or you are feeling angry. If you want to save your marriage, you have to learn to put things in perspective and to move forward without allowing your husband’s cheating to set the tone for the rest of your relationship. When someone betrays our trust, one thing we deal with is a feeling of uncertainly, a loss of control over the situation. Just remember that you have choices and choosing to stick with you husband and work through this is a completely valid one. Remember to be honest with him and with yourself and to state things very clearly. “I want us to work this out but I need you to understand that this cannot happen again.” People forget to just say the words out loud. Set your boundaries and give yourself (and your husband…and your marriage) time to heal. Amy Dear Amy,
What do I do to get on with my life after my husband of 52 years passed away? It has been over 4 yrs & I hate my life the way it is.. Dear Grieving, I’m so sorry for your loss, not just the loss of your husband but also the loss of the life you had. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about grieving, its that it is never as simple as just missing the person you’ve lost. As social beings, we build our lives around other people and none so profoundly as our spouses and our children. So what happens when the person we knew the best, the person we have framed our life around, leaves us? Grief is complicated. We deal with a mix of emotions, feeling guilty when we feel good and lost when we don’t. Joan Didion wrote a book about her husband’s death entitled The Year of Magical Thinking and in it she talks about waves of grief. I never completely understood that concept until my grandmother passed away last year. I felt grief in waves (and still do). Some days I was fully functional and some days I was absolutely inconsolable, consumed with grief, drowned by it. My mother, who was the primary caregiver for my grandma, and I started going to a grief support group and it was easily both the most painful and helpful thing I’ve ever done. Hearing other people’s grief makes you see your own in a new light. Sometimes it sharpens the pain, but it also makes it impossible to see yourself as alone with your loss. After 52 years of marriage, its not surprising that you are struggling. It’s not easy. You are faced with the task of redefining yourself without your husband as context. What you do next depends a lot on you as a person. But don’t let anyone talk you out of your grief. You own it. It is yours and it is a necessary part of your healing. People sometimes think we should “just get over it” but grieving is a process unique to every individual. Instead, I would suggest that you find a grief support group in your town and start talking about how you are feeling, the good and the bad. Talk about the things that you hate about your life and also the things you love. Use the time to think about how you like to spend your time, the type of people you like to be around and don’t be afraid to think big. Is there anything you’ve always wanted to do? Instead of trying to put your grief aside, embrace it as part of your journey. The road ahead is full of change and change can be scary and difficult, at any age and in any situation. But the fact that you are reaching out to me, tells me you are ready to start heading in a new direction. You can re-envision your life, and, while you can’t go back, you can make moving forward full of possibility. My heart is with you and I hope you will reach out again as you work through this process. I’m here to listen, anytime. Amy |
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