Dear Amy,
I am so confused I do not no what to do or believe anymore. Six years ago I started sleeping with someone that was already in a relationship with another. This went on for a couple of years, which over this time I had grown quite fond of this person and found myself in love with them. I knew that the one they where with was wrong for them in many ways, but I never tried to force them apart. Now throughout this time they also have professed their love for me. Have managed to say they never want to lose me. And we both agree the sex is great. Well after about three years of making love everyday it stopped, now it was once a week hit or miss. Well I discovered they were seeing another so now there is three of us and even though they proclaim they love me and I have ruined it (sex) for everyone else, for I am the best and the other two don't even compare. Well they spend and get all of their time. As now they live back and forth between both of them. But they manage to see me everyday and do nothing but complain about both of them. They also claim they do not make love to them as its a waste of time. So that's what I get to make love and leave. While they both play house with them. So I guess I get the sex and they get to split the relationship part, So what is wrong with me? I am the best of both and then some, I satisfy there every need, They say they love me all the time, but not enough to be with me. What am I doing so wrong? I only want to be special and loved in return. Dear Relationship, I think that this is one of those cases where love just isn’t enough. You are really being treated very badly. I’m always a little wary of starting of a relationship with someone who’s already involved elsewhere. It’s tricky and it brings up issues of trust and respect for me. But the fact that your significant other has started another relationship in addition to the two already going is a big red flag for me. Is this intended to be an open relationship? Here’s the rub…you’re probably not going to get what you want out of this relationship. It’s not you. From what I gather, the person you’re with seems to be looking for something and they haven’t found it. Or they’re just being very unfair to you and everyone involved. It’s hard to know the exact motivations but it doesn’t sound like things are heading in a good direction for you. So here’s my suggestion. State very clearly what you want out of the relationship and then if your partner can’t deliver, say goodbye. You deserve to have someone who wants to focus on the relationship with you and only you. Unless you’re signing up for an open relationship, it’s really not acceptable to have to live with one by default. Amy Dear Amy,
My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs. He recently admitted to cheating and has been really beating himself up about it. We have cried, talked and argued over it. I love him with all I have but I'm not sure how to heal from this. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. Is there any hope for us? Dear Hoping, The simple answer is yes, of course there is hope. This is a very complicated situation and if you want to stay together, you’re both going to have to be committed to the healing process. As we all know,, good relationships are built on trust, good communication and understanding. Your trust has been shaken and it takes time to rebuild that…but its not impossible. It sounds like your husband is feeling very remorseful and is willing to accept responsibility for his actions. That’s a huge thing. Of course, that doesn’t make you feel better and he needs to understand that sometimes you’re going to need to be angry without having to feel sorry him because he’s being hard on himself. The reality of the situation is that you are completely justified in feeling hurt, betrayed, angry and sad. Your relationship can never be exactly the same as it was before, and you will need time to mourn that relationship. BUT, we always have the choice in life to put the past behind us and move forward. And you can move forward together. I would strongly suggest finding a marriage counselor that can help you both work through this situation in a safe environment. If you can commit to seeing the counselor and following through on their recommendations, its not a stretch to think that you will be able to rebuild your trust and renew your commitment to each other. The trick is to deal with the infidelity directly. You can’t erase it and trying to “get over it” won’t work unless you accept that it has happened and deal with it as part of your relationship story. If you don’t, then it will rear its ugly head every time you have an argument or you are feeling angry. If you want to save your marriage, you have to learn to put things in perspective and to move forward without allowing your husband’s cheating to set the tone for the rest of your relationship. When someone betrays our trust, one thing we deal with is a feeling of uncertainly, a loss of control over the situation. Just remember that you have choices and choosing to stick with you husband and work through this is a completely valid one. Remember to be honest with him and with yourself and to state things very clearly. “I want us to work this out but I need you to understand that this cannot happen again.” People forget to just say the words out loud. Set your boundaries and give yourself (and your husband…and your marriage) time to heal. Amy |
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