Dear Amy,
My fiancé can't seem to let go of his mom. I have no choice in matters. Its always what mommy wants or thinks best. He has to have surgery to repair a valve.. Its where mom wants him to go. He won't even explore other options. How can I marry someone who has no regard for my feelings? Am I wrong in thinking his mom should not play such a big part when he has his own family? Dear Marrying, What comes most to mind in reading your question is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Have you talked to your fiancé calmly and honestly about how you are feeling? If not, now is the time. In my experience, mama’s boys tend to have a major lack of boundaries with their mama and, as the mother of a boy, I can kind of see the temptation to treasure this quality in a son. I mean, what mama wouldn’t love to have a son who hangs on her every word and does exactly what she says all the time! Ok, but seriously, at some point we mom’s usually realize that raising sons capable of making their own choices is way more important than total compliance (as much as it may pain us to admit this). But in some cases those boundaries are never really defined. This can have to do with a lot of things: culture, family make-up and history, personalities, etc. But at the end of the day, being in a relationship with an adult mama’s boy requires two things: boundaries (yep, there it is again) and empathy. Let’s start with boundaries. You need to sit down with your fiancé and have a frank discussion about how you feel. From your question, I gather that you are generally feeling second in his life and that’s probably not a great position to occupy going into a marriage. However, I’m not advocating that you give him what for and expect him to fall in line. Actually, having a husband who loves and respects his mother is not the worst quality he could have. But part of any healthy relationship is communication and respect. He’ll need to understand how you feel and you can expect him to not only respect, but also to enforce your boundaries with his mother. So, we’ve dealt with your feelings. Now let’s deal with his. His mama has been the center of his emotional life forever, literally. And habits like that are hard to change so give him some time. If you’re going to have a long and happy life together, it’s going to include her and I’m sensing some serious resentment on your part. You can’t hate your mother-in-law (well, I mean, you can but it makes it really really hard, especially when your husband adores her). Do you get along with her? Is she the type of person you could bring into this conversation at some point? Because part of setting boundaries is also clearly stating them to the people who will be part of abiding by them and that means your future mother-in-law. So now let’s move onto the empathy part. Because I’m concerned that you’ve gotten yourself into such a state of head-butting with your man’s mom that you might be having a hard time seeing his point of view in this. For instance when it comes to the valve repair, while you two should be openly discussing this, it ultimately should be his decision (no matter how he arrived at it) as to where, when and how he chooses to have medical procedures done. I would say the same thing to him about you, so what I would suggest in this situation is to put the mama tension aside and respect whatever decision he’s made. He’ll need your love and support regardless. Ok, reality check time. Your mama’s boy isn’t going to let go of his mother completely, nor should he. But her role in his life should change now that he is beginning his own family and yes, your feelings should be respected (even if he doesn’t always do things the way you want him to either). But those kinds of changes don’t happen overnight and trying to take on mama head-on is not only going to cause a rift between you and your fiancé, but is also likely to breed numerous problems down the road. You guys need to talk to each other and as long as you’re both making an effort to listen, understand and empathize with one another, you’ll be fine. Tuck this advice away, because I promise, when you have a son, you’ll have those moments where you want him to live and breathe every word you say and you’ll need to stomp that tendency down into the ground so that he can grow up to be a capable, self-reliant individual who makes his mama proud. Amy Dear Amy,
Just wanted to ask a question, how long before meeting someone new, that you should sleep with them? Dear Timing, Hmm, maybe now…maybe never. Deciding to sleep with someone is such an incredibly personal decision and there are a lot of considerations. My own personal feeling is that the younger you are, the longer you should wait. People (especially women) often read so much more into sexual encounters that it’s good to know where you are in your life and how sex is going to affect you…and often that kind of self-awareness comes with time and experience. On the other hand, I’m not a prude when it comes to sex and I don’t see anything wrong with having some good safe and consensual sex at whatever point feels comfortable to you. Where my cautious side sets in is on the topic of safety. Not knowing someone well….let’s say, same day you meet someone new…exposes you to risks to both your physical health and your emotional well-being. Of course there are no guarantees ever, but spending time getting to know someone will give you a better sense of who they are and where they’ve been. Sex is stinking fantastic but not enough to wind up with some life-threatening disease or to end up alone with someone violent or abusive. So, let me put it this way. Don’t have sex without thinking about it first. Consider the options and what you hope to get out of the situation. Don’t wait until clothes are coming off and you’re too caught up in the passionate stuff to make an informed decision for yourself. Otherwise, have fun and be safe. Amy Dear Amy,
My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs. He recently admitted to cheating and has been really beating himself up about it. We have cried, talked and argued over it. I love him with all I have but I'm not sure how to heal from this. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. Is there any hope for us? Dear Hoping, The simple answer is yes, of course there is hope. This is a very complicated situation and if you want to stay together, you’re both going to have to be committed to the healing process. As we all know,, good relationships are built on trust, good communication and understanding. Your trust has been shaken and it takes time to rebuild that…but its not impossible. It sounds like your husband is feeling very remorseful and is willing to accept responsibility for his actions. That’s a huge thing. Of course, that doesn’t make you feel better and he needs to understand that sometimes you’re going to need to be angry without having to feel sorry him because he’s being hard on himself. The reality of the situation is that you are completely justified in feeling hurt, betrayed, angry and sad. Your relationship can never be exactly the same as it was before, and you will need time to mourn that relationship. BUT, we always have the choice in life to put the past behind us and move forward. And you can move forward together. I would strongly suggest finding a marriage counselor that can help you both work through this situation in a safe environment. If you can commit to seeing the counselor and following through on their recommendations, its not a stretch to think that you will be able to rebuild your trust and renew your commitment to each other. The trick is to deal with the infidelity directly. You can’t erase it and trying to “get over it” won’t work unless you accept that it has happened and deal with it as part of your relationship story. If you don’t, then it will rear its ugly head every time you have an argument or you are feeling angry. If you want to save your marriage, you have to learn to put things in perspective and to move forward without allowing your husband’s cheating to set the tone for the rest of your relationship. When someone betrays our trust, one thing we deal with is a feeling of uncertainly, a loss of control over the situation. Just remember that you have choices and choosing to stick with you husband and work through this is a completely valid one. Remember to be honest with him and with yourself and to state things very clearly. “I want us to work this out but I need you to understand that this cannot happen again.” People forget to just say the words out loud. Set your boundaries and give yourself (and your husband…and your marriage) time to heal. Amy Dear Amy,
What do I do to get on with my life after my husband of 52 years passed away? It has been over 4 yrs & I hate my life the way it is.. Dear Grieving, I’m so sorry for your loss, not just the loss of your husband but also the loss of the life you had. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about grieving, its that it is never as simple as just missing the person you’ve lost. As social beings, we build our lives around other people and none so profoundly as our spouses and our children. So what happens when the person we knew the best, the person we have framed our life around, leaves us? Grief is complicated. We deal with a mix of emotions, feeling guilty when we feel good and lost when we don’t. Joan Didion wrote a book about her husband’s death entitled The Year of Magical Thinking and in it she talks about waves of grief. I never completely understood that concept until my grandmother passed away last year. I felt grief in waves (and still do). Some days I was fully functional and some days I was absolutely inconsolable, consumed with grief, drowned by it. My mother, who was the primary caregiver for my grandma, and I started going to a grief support group and it was easily both the most painful and helpful thing I’ve ever done. Hearing other people’s grief makes you see your own in a new light. Sometimes it sharpens the pain, but it also makes it impossible to see yourself as alone with your loss. After 52 years of marriage, its not surprising that you are struggling. It’s not easy. You are faced with the task of redefining yourself without your husband as context. What you do next depends a lot on you as a person. But don’t let anyone talk you out of your grief. You own it. It is yours and it is a necessary part of your healing. People sometimes think we should “just get over it” but grieving is a process unique to every individual. Instead, I would suggest that you find a grief support group in your town and start talking about how you are feeling, the good and the bad. Talk about the things that you hate about your life and also the things you love. Use the time to think about how you like to spend your time, the type of people you like to be around and don’t be afraid to think big. Is there anything you’ve always wanted to do? Instead of trying to put your grief aside, embrace it as part of your journey. The road ahead is full of change and change can be scary and difficult, at any age and in any situation. But the fact that you are reaching out to me, tells me you are ready to start heading in a new direction. You can re-envision your life, and, while you can’t go back, you can make moving forward full of possibility. My heart is with you and I hope you will reach out again as you work through this process. I’m here to listen, anytime. Amy Dear Amy,
How do you deal with a verbally abusive alcoholic spouse? Dear Dealing, Dealing with an alcoholic spouse is a challenge in itself and adding verbal abuse to the mix makes this a very precarious situation. How to deal with the spouse depends on a lot of different factors. First and foremost, are you physically safe with your spouse? If not, then I would advise seeking help to distance yourself from the situation, either temporarily or permanently, while addressing the core issues. Next, and also very important to consider, is whether you plan on staying in the marriage. Addiction and recovery can be a very long and painful process and if you want to stay in your marriage, you need to understand what that might mean. Does your spouse acknowledge that they have a drinking problem? Are they willing to seek help? Whether or not you choose to stay in your marriage, you should focus on getting yourself as healthy as you can. Do you have children? I would suggest counseling and/or Al Anon for both you and your children. As the daughter of an alcoholic, I can tell you that, even if you don’t drink, you pick up behaviors and habits are a result of dealing with your loved ones alcoholism – some that you may not even recognize until many years down the road. Visit Al-Anon and Alateen to find groups in your areas and start getting support. If your spouse is ready for help, check out local AA meetings as well. But beyond the alcoholism, let’s talk about verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can be as damaging or even more so than physical abuse. In many cases, we don’t even begin to understand the emotional toll until we start having nightmares or having trouble concentrating, suffer from depression or even PTSD. Is the verbal abuse related to the drinking or is it more engrained in your spouse’s pattern of behavior? The verbally abusive behavior is definitely a huge problem and it needs to stop. If you and I were chatting about this problem over coffee, I would ask you a lot of questions about your situation to try and understand more about the dynamics of your relationship, but here I am stuck dealing in generalities so here is my advice based on what I know about addiction and interpersonal violence. This problem is not going to go away on its own and you need to reach out for help. Find a counselor in your area that specializes in addiction and ask for help. Call your local domestic violence agency and talk to them about their programs and services. Sometimes they offer programs to work with abusive partners with the goal of helping them better manage anger and keep relationships intact. Go to Al-Anon and talk. You’ll get serious doses of perspective and helpful resources from people dealing with similar situations. Whatever path you choose, make sure it involves seeking the help you need to be as healthy as you can be in this very daunting situation. My thoughts are with you and I invite you to reach out anytime you need a sympathetic ear. Amy Dear Amy,
My ex-husband and I have a pretty ok relationship, focused primarily on our kids. We have a pretty open arrangement, with me having them during the week and he on the weekends, due to his job's inflexible schedule during the week. The only caveat to this, is he keeps them for a few hours on one weekday night and then I keep them one weekend a month, which gives us both time with and without the kids. He recently decided that he wanted to take the kids to extracurricular activities in the evenings an extra night per week. He did this largely without asking if I was ok with me, but honestly, it wasn't worth arguing over and it allows the kids to see him for about an hour. This past weekend was my weekend with the kids. It was a tiring weekend. The one nice thing about Dad taking them on the weekend is it gives me a chance to refresh from the week of homework, dinner, sibling arguments, etc. This weekend was long, with it being a 4 day weekend. It seems petty, but he just asked me to take the kids to his scheduled event with them so he could take his girlfriend shopping...after spending an entire weekend alone...with no kids! The worst part of this is telling the kids that their regular event with Dad won't be happening and I'll get to deal with the fallout of him cancelling on them. I'm not going to lie, I am a teeny bit disappointed, as I have gotten used to my one hour reprieve in the evening... Am I being unreasonable? I know I have it pretty good. My kids have a Dad that is around and available and usually putting them first...this just seems a bit selfish on his part. Dear Frustrated, It is not unreasonable to expect your kids dad to keep his promises to them. Setting and maintaining boundaries with ex-spouses, especially when there are kids involved, is infinitely difficult. And honestly, you’re making about a million excuses for him in your letter. Cut that out! His status as overall great dad does not invalidate your feelings about this particular incident. The bottom line is, if he signs the kids up for an activity, especially if he does this without your buy-in, than it is his responsibility to take them. And if he needs to change his plans, he needs to tell them, himself. He is equally responsible for their emotional well-being and its ok for you to hold him accountable. The trouble with adults – especially spouses and ex-spouses – is that it is hard to hold them accountable for their actions. We’re not kids right? We can’t send each other to time out. Instead, the best we can do for ourselves and for our kids is to be clear about boundaries and expectations. Did you end up taking the kids to their activity? Whether you did or not, make sure that you are clear when you let your ex know that you were not comfortable being put in that position and that it cannot happen in the future. After all, it’s really not about you. It’s about the kids. And they need stability and consistency, especially from their parents. Oh, and take a deep breath. Dealing with an ex is stressful so give yourself a few minutes to be frustrated. Then you can work on positive steps forward. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been seeing this guy since June. We knew each other before but never hung out. Anyway, in talking he says it takes about 6 to 9 months for him to realize whether he wants to date someone. We have never been intimate. He said he wants to wait for the right time however he has received some intimate things from me. We don't go out on dates. We have been out to dinner and movies and never once has he offered to cover the tab. In fact he asked me to once. I let him use my car, I take him where he needs to go all the time. We have been in a couple of arguments and he says that he wants me to be the one but I'm not sure if I believe that. Seeing how nothing has progressed. I'm tired of side hugs and he seems to bring up his ex fiancé almost every time I am with him. I think he is still in love. He knows nothing about my ex's. I don't discuss them. Do you think he's just using me. Or do you think he has good intentions for the future. I'm so confused. I want to believe him. I'm in my 30's and I am tired of wasting my time. I am afraid if I give up, I'll just be giving up like I did before. Please help. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Dear Waiting, Well, I can understand why you’re feeling frustrated. In my experience, many (not all, but many) men in their 30’s these days seem to suffer from a perpetual case of not knowing how to grow up. I know a lot of men in their 30’s who have their lives in order but I know an equal number who seem a little bit lost in adulthood. My suspicion is that your boyfriend falls somewhere in this category. He clearly wants companionship and his constant reference to his ex-fiancé is probably a sign that he really doesn’t know what he wants. How bad was their breakup? If he’s still actively licking his wounds, he may not really be ready to have a relationship yet. There were a few things in your letter than stood out to me. First,his arbitrary 6-9 month period to decide whether to date. Hmmm. Ok, so I get that we sometimes make rules for ourselves. For instance, “I’m just meeting people, I’m not looking for a relationship” is not particularly uncommon. But why the timeframe? Two thoughts here. One, what has this guy been through? Why is he so gun shy? Second, why is he setting you up like that? If you ask me, this sounds like a safety barrier. He’s saying, “let’s see how things go before I have to commit.” While there’s nothing wrong with waiting to commit, but we’re not talking about marriage here, just dating. It shouldn’t be that scary. My next little “eek” moment came in reading about his desire not to be intimate yet followed by your admission that he’s been on the receiving end of some hanky panky. That, coupled with his borrowing your car and asking you to pick up the tab at dinner is a pattern of behavior that I find troubling. And I think there’s really only one solution. You’re going to have to set some limits. I’m not saying you shouldn’t pay for dinner or take him places, but you’re not his mother. If he’s an adult then there needs to be some reciprocation here and the best way to ensure that is to talk about it, honestly, openly. You need to establish your boundaries and say, out loud, what you need out of this relationship. If he’s worth the trouble, he’ll listen to what you have to say and you’ll find a way to meet in the middle. If he becomes defensive or annoyed when you tell him how you’re feeling, then it might be time to reconsider the direction this relationship is going. Believe me, I get the fact that men (and women) have baggage. We carry all the remains of every bad experience, every previous relationship, ever little quirk, and we impose it all on our romantic partners. He may simply be scared out of his wits to get involved in another intimate relationship. But allowing things to continue on so one-sided is not likely to leave you feeling fulfilled or loved. There may be great reasons for you to foot the bill at dinner or lend him your car, but unless you have an agreement and you both feel good about the terms its likely for resentments to build. The truth is, you are dating, regardless of his hesitation to quantify it. If you’re hanging out, having dinner, seeing movies, having ANY intimate contact, its not unreasonable to call this what it is – a relationship. Now, whether it’s the relationship you (or he) want is a separate issue but I promise, either way, you’re going to have a much happier and healthier life if you make sure that you are clearly stating your needs, setting your boundaries and knowing that you are worth having those needs and boundaries respected. Amy Dear Amy,
I am needing advice on the opportunity of taking a second job. I am starting a nurse residency program as a new grad nurse next week. I will be working three 12 hour shifts a week. For the first 6 weeks I will be training on day shift and then I will begin working night shift. My second job opportunity is at my favorite retail store. In the past few months I have been entertaining the idea of working a few hours a week through the holidays at this retail store. This store was my first job out of high school and I worked a total of 3 years with the company before going to nursing school. I stopped by the store to buy a few items and I mentioned casually to an associate that was training on the register that I loved working there and miss it from time to time. The woman training her said to me that they were hiring seasonal staff and that I should speak with the manager. The manager happened to be in the store that day so I went ahead and asked what she had available. She said she had one position left to fill and it is a position that would be a few hours a week, flexible hours, and needed an experienced worker. Ding ding! Exactly what I am wanting. I told her that I was possibly interested and requested an application to take home and think about. I will be meeting her in a few days for an interview. If I am offered the job do you think I should take it? It would be very fun for me and I enjoy working but do you think it will be too much on top of a new career? Do you think I will be over working myself? Nursing is going to be extremely stressful, do you think having this fun second job will burn me out or help relieve some stress? Dear Working, So, you like to be busy then eh? I’d say that whether or not you should take the job depends greatly on the kind of person you are. As an experienced juggler, I can tell you that the first thing that gets compromised is sleep. But then again, its only a few hours a week right? So let’s see, some people read for fun. Some watch TV. Some scrapbook, cook, run, hike, garden, party. People find fun in a lot of different places and if you feel like this second job would be a fun way to spend your non-nursing time then I say go for it with the following stipulation…if you start feeling overwhelmed, it has to be the first thing to go. You’re fresh out of school and starting a new career so that has to be the priority. If the retail job helps you relieve stress, that’s great – and a good chance to earn a little extra money can’t hurt. But if you’re not going to be willing to let it go (if necessary) then it might be better to get started in your nursing program and see how it goes before getting involved in something else. If, on the other hand, you can take a really honest look at your life and make modifications accordingly…then do it! Luckily, you have experience with this company and you probably have a pretty clear idea about what you’re getting yourself into so if the promise of fun outweighs the fear of overdoing it, give yourself permission to take the job. You won’t be the first or last person to juggle jobs (and life) and honestly, your nursing schedule might just support your new retail hobby quite perfectly. Best of luck, Amy Dear Amy,
I have spent my high school years and now college relegated to the ‘friend-zone’. I just seem to be the one all the girls feel they can open up to because I am a nice guy. They all complain about finding a nice guy, but they still go out with guys that treat them like crap. Every time I suggest myself, they regard it like it is a joke or say they couldn’t in such a way that sounds like I have the plague. I am great to hear their problems, but not worthy of even a chance of romantic connection. What can I do to do to break this cycle? Dear Just A Friend, Nothing wrong with being a friend, right? So, tell me....what are your intentions. When it comes to women, are you generally in it for friendship or for more? If you start out as friends, and you are a good and valued friend, it's not surprising that she maybe doesn't want to lose that connection. On the other hand, if she knows you want more right from the start, she may not let you in. It's a conundrum. What concerns me most about your question is the phrasing. The way you say you've been "friend-zoned" leads me to believe that your intentions are either not clear in your mind or that you aren't being completely honest with said women. I don't mean to be harsh. You sound like a very nice guy. But you are feeling used and I want you consider that you're partly to blame. Women are not mind-readers any more than men are, and we crave friendship. We want to have someone listen to us and understand us AND we've been trained to see friendship and romance as somewhat incompatible. Mutually exclusive terms really. Fair? Of course not. Not fair for us or for you. My advice to you is pretty simple. Know your intentions and state them clearly. If you say, "I'm looking for someone to date/love/cuddle with, etc. right up front, you may get what you want. Or, you may end up alone, but at least you won't have to be the good and patient listener for a girl you want as more than just a friend. The key here is to change things up a bit. You know what doesn't get the result you want, so change the way you approach these relationships and see what happens. Last...and I mean this...be patient. Being friends is a great basis for a relationship. Maybe these particular girls just weren't worthy of you. (Or maybe they'll just be life-long friends...and that's good too). Amy |
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